As part of our coverage of the Celtics second round series against the Cleveland Cavaliers, I’ve enlisted the help of my buddy, Adam Cole-Kelly.

Adam is a writer at VH1’s Best Week Ever, and despite his current residence in New York City is a Cavs fan of mammoth proportions (Not as mammoth as this Clevelander, but still mammoth in his own right).

We’ve found success as a team before—our turn of the millennium dominance of the public basketball courts in Seville, Spain has become somewhat of a legend along the banks of the Mediterranean—and I feel confident that over the course of the next six or seven games (which in the NBA Playoffs amounts to three or four months) we’ll be able to provide you with a fresh and unique perspective of the series and all the awesomeness that comes with it.

For our inaugural installment, we threw out 10 pertinent questions and answered them from our respective soap boxes atop Celtics/Cavs Nation. Call it a series preview. Just don’t call it unstupendous (because that’s not a real word)

But first, a quick word from Adam.

Adam Cole-Kelly: Hello Boston sports fans. I used to sympathize with your sports spectating plight. No longer. You’ve had far more than your fair share of glory in recent years. As a Cleveland sports enthusiast the sum total of glory I’ve enjoyed in the past 28 years is roughly zero, give or take nothing. It’s not fair and I feel entirely justified basking in my stagnant pool of bitterness. As a result of this, and at the risk of misplacing my accumulated frustrations, I feel I should note that I hate all of you. I feel much better having unburdened myself of that. Shall we proceed in the spirit of friendly competition now? Good, I thought we should too.

OK, let’s get on with it

Match-up you feel best about?

RL: Kevin Garnett vs Cleveland’s two-headed, 65-year old power combo of Ben Wallace and Joe Smith

I think KG’s struggles in Game 6 against the Hawks might be the worst thing that ever happened to the Cavs. The criticism he received after that loss took his intensity to another level, and he’s got everything to prove. On the other hand, all Wallace has proved over the last two seasons is that it’s possible to steal $14M a year and not go to jail.

At times against Atlanta, Garnett looked slightly shaken by the speed and athleticism of the Hawks’ big men, but he’s both younger and faster than Cleveland’s 4s—although Anderson Varejao will help—and will be ready to go off.

It’s kind of funny to think now that Joe Smith was the No. 1 pick in the 1995, the same year KG went No. 4 to Minnesota.

ACK: Given the bad blood between Lebron and Paul Pierce (a few years ago they had to be separated in the tunnel after a preseason game during which Pierce spit at the Cavs bench) I’m tempted to go way out on a limb and choose Lebron. Not only is he so good that I won’t even bother searching for impressive adjectives to describe him because you already know, but this season he has taken his game to a new and even more absurd level when he’s angry. In fact, I might hire a plant to sit on the floor and taunt him for all the games in Boston. I’ve got a 20-dollar bill with your name all over it traitorous Celt fan with floor seats. Look me up.

While I can’t argue the matchup advantage the Celts have at power forward, I will say that Joe Smith has been a surprisingly great addition to this team. You rarely notice him doing something not good and his ability to knock down jumpers should be key in pulling KG away from the basket defensively. I could’ve tried to sound more legit by mentioning a specific distance from which Smith reliably hits jumpers- 17 feet sounds reasonable- but I’ve never trusted the authority with which people throw out their court measurement estimations.

Match-up you feel worst about?

RL: Kendrick Perkins vs. Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Perk’s biggest strength is probably his um… strength (you’ve screwed me again, online thesaurus), and what usually happens when he faces a bigger, stronger opponent like Z is that he gets far too aggressive in compensating for the size disadvantage and lands in early foul trouble early. If Perk can’t stay on the floor, that creates a domino effect of suffering for the Celtics, because if there’s one huge advantage Cleveland has, it’s offensive rebounding.

This is also a match up of ying and yang proportions as far as NBA centers go, with Z’s soft hands and sweet touch taking on Perk, who boasts a set of hands which are in second stage rigor mortis and the grace of a giraffe with a torn patella tendon.

ACK: Rajon Rondo’s quick hands vs. Cavs pseudo point guards ball handling (in)ability

I must admit I haven’t seen Rondo play a ton but I’ve seen enough to know that he’s a regular ballhawk. And as much as I like the term ballhawk, I don’t like one harassing Delonte West and/or Daniel Gibson, neither of whom are natural 1’s. In Game 3 against the Wizards an energized but still gimpy Gilbert Arenas must’ve knocked the ball out of West’s hand 3-5 times in the first five minutes of the game. That doesn’t bode well considering Rondo’s superior quickness, not to mention two fully functioning knees.

I’ll agree with Rich on the substantial advantage the Cavs have at center. As my friend Michael has been saying for years Zydrunas Ilgauskas is the tallest pure shooter in the world. Throw in his deft tip-in touch around the rim, particularly off of his own missed bunnies, and he can be an offensive force. Unfortunately, all too often the Cavs inexplicably go away from Z on offense, even when he’s been effective, in favor of their patented everybody stand around and watch Lebron “scheme”. As for Kendrick Perkins, sure he’s got some tools and I saw him block some shots and play some nice help D in game 7 but the restaurant Perkins is more likely to upset Cavs fan stomachs than Kendrick is.

What beef along the lines of Lebron and Deshaun Stevenson’s Jay-Z/Soulja Boy silliness would you like to see emerge as a secondary story line in this series?

RL: My guess is after Game 1, James Posey talks some smack about Varejao’s ability to take charges, to which Varejao responds, “Ha! That’s like Ney Matogrosso criticizing Gilberto Passos Gil Moreira…” (And somewhere in Denver, Nene Hilario screams, “Oh, snap!”)

In terms, of legit beefs, let’s not forget the level of unbridled hatred Garnett possesses for Wally Szczerbiak. That’s one to look out for.

Consider you’re Wally for a second (got you hair gelled and a shit-eating grin rubber cemented on to your face yet? OK, we can start): You play basketball for a living, you make millions of dollars a year and chances are you can get pretty much any chick you want, BUT you wake up every morning with the knowledge that one of the crazier men in the world would likely snap your neck if he had the chance. Are you happy? Could anything make up for being on Kevin Garnett’s bad side?

ACK: P.J. Brown and Cavs coach Mike Brown will feud over Mike’s pre-game denial of P.J’s request for Coach Brown to “Lay him some skin.” Things will escalate when P.J. reunites the Temptations at the Garden and they record a song about Coach Brown’s farsightedness. Coach Brown will counter with a diss track courtesy of the 4 Tops suggesting that P.J. stands for Pajama- provided that the 4 Tops are different than the members of the Temptations. It’s really anybody’s guess at this point.

Which opposing player do you fear most and why?

RL: Here’s something I probably haven’t admitted since the second grade: I’m scared of Boobie. I feel like all Daniel Gibson does is hit big shots, and even more absurd is the fact that he always seems to be wide open. I just broke out in hives at the thought of Boobie lurking free on the baseline while the C’s deal with King James—who is obviously the guy I fear most, but who was a far less interesting answer to the question.

ACK: Boobie does hit big shots but he’s far too adorable to be feared. Good luck not falling for the baby-faced assassin. I fear KG, obviously for his basketball skills, but almost as much because he seems like an emotional volcano- and an active one at that. When Mt. KG-suvius blows, I’d hate to be Pompeii. Also, he’s a great defender, a tough matchup inside or out and he works harder than pretty much everybody. There’s no mistaking how badly he wants it. Fortunately, he seems to shy away from what seems like it can and should be a dominant inside offensive game during crunch time.

Which Cav boasts the most impressive ‘do?

RL: Little known fact: Anderson Varejao’s mop worked as a stunt double for Pierce Brosnan’s chest hair in Tomorrow Never Dies. He gets my vote.

ACK: Daniel Gibson, high marks for the creative use of nearly the entire side of his head. He’s consistently bold yet tasteful with his hair designs. I imagine his shooting star/ hair-comet from last round might be touched up for the beginning of round 2. Have I mentioned he’s adorable?

Opposing player you dislike the most and why?

RL: I’m sure he’s the kind of guy I’d love were he on the Celtics, but I can’t stand Damon Jones. I was all right with him back in Miami—when he seemed content with his role as team clown—but he lost me earlier this season when he started demanding trades and even refused to enter a game at one point.

Isn’t it ridiculous to think that there are guy out there like Damon Jones and Eddie House who have made millions of dollars on their ability to hit three-pointers, and literally nothing else? The plight of House’s entire family rests on whether or not his jump shot is falling. That’s a pretty ridiculous concept.

ACK: Damon Jones is hilarious. A complete clown. Doesn’t take himself seriously at all and is equally animated on and off the court. In the rare instances he does play, he has proven to be quite a clutch 3 point marksman. Unlike Rich, I have a ton of respect for the careers both Jones and Eddie House have carved out for themselves. They’ve parlayed their long range shooting ability and elaborate high five routines into lengthy pro careers and millions of dollars. They’re like kickers without all that pressure. Sweet gig if you ask me.

On the other hand, Paul Pierce scowls way too much, he’s a spitter (at the Cavs bench) and he’s always looked kind of chubby but been deceptively athletic. All of these qualities are off-putting. Plus, The Truth? That’s a bit much for a nickname, no? Fine, then from here on out we get to call Wally Szczerbiak “Justice.”

Which Celtic not only went to the same middle school as Adam but also played on the same Shaker Heights Middle School 8th grade basketball team as his red-headed, left handed cousin Kevin?

RL: I think I’m more impressed by your cousin being both lefty and red-headed than I am bythe fact that he used to run foot fire drills with a future pro. Red-headed lefties are the four leaf clover of the human race.

As for the question at hand, considering how open he is about his Cleveland roots (and also because you told me the answer when were talking about it earlier) I’m going to guess James Posey—easily one of the most likable Celtics in recent memory. It should also be noted that Adam’s cousin Pedrag played on the same primary school handball team as Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

ACK: I wonder if my cousin was ever the recipient of a really long hug at the scorer’s table right before tip-off?

What Cavs player will Celtics fans want on the court most (because he stinks)?

RL: With the way the Celtics move defensively, I think the only way Wally Sczcerbiak gets his points is by being aggressive and taking the ball to the hoop. Which is to say, I don’t think The Dentist will get his points—especially with KG, waiting for him in the paint with an elbow to the temple.

On the other hand—and speaking of ex-Celtics—I couldn’t be more excited for a full series of Delonte West. It’s going to be very difficult not to hold back the joy when Delonte scores in this serries… Oh come on man, I can’t shoot without da ball now!

ACK: Anderson Varejo—I think the beginning of the end for Andy was when he bricked a shot in a crucial late game possession against the Spurs in Game 4 of the Finals last season with the game pretty much hanging in the balances. After he botched that play, he held out for a while and since his return he’s been a bit off. During the playoffs his offensive incompetence has truly blossomed. Without any supporting evidence he fancies himself a capable ball handler and even a playmaker at times. His touch to turnover ratio was astounding against the Wizards. Sure opposing fans may hate him because he draws charges snags offensive boards and is an overall nuisance, but unless he makes great strides he’ll do the Celts some favors when the Cavs have the ball.

As for Rich’s prediction (Wally) all I can say is that I predict “Justice” will be served.

What’s your all-time favorite starting five for the opposition

RL: That’s easy. Chris Mihm, Ricky Davis, Kedrick Brown, Jiri Welch and Bruno Sundov. Ah, good times. No, it probably breaks down like this:

PG Mark Price: Just a gritty, clutch guy.

SG Craig Ehlo: I have another friend from Cleveland whose dog is named Ehlo. I’ve always wanted to throw a blond mullet on the thing and teach it how to dramatically crumple to the floor in defeat.

SF Lebron James: He has some slightly irritating off court issues, but there are very few people I’ve ever enjoyed watching more than Bron.

PF Larry Nance: With a dunking style that said, “No, sir. These legs are staying straight out and glued together” and a mustache so smooth that it alone made love to more women during the 1988 season than I have in my entire life, Nance gets the nod.

C: Hot Rod Williams: This would have been Brad Daugherty if not for that weird, awkward feeling I get now every time I watch him cover NASCAR.

ACK: My five favorite Celtics of all time:

PGs ex-Cav John Bagley and Dee Brown: I had a t-shirt of Brown’s contest winning dunk which was the coolest thing I owned as an 11 year old and Bags just because of his svelte body.

SG Todd Day: I loved him even more as a Razorback. Great name. Should’ve never played apart from Lee Mayberry.

SF Larry Bird: My dad grew up in Boston and his brothers still live there so as an impressionable boy I sort of rooted for the Celtics, after the Cavs of course. I recall Bird being good.

PF Art “Speed” Spector: Art “Speed” Spector: After shooting a career best .300 from the field and averaging 5.5 ppg in his 3rd season for the ‘48-49 Celts Speed’s career ended after only 7 games into the ‘49-50 campaign. Oh what could have been.

C Acie Earl: Gotta love the name Acie, and not just because it’s two thirds of my initials. I actually should hold a grudge towards Earl because I lost a bet in college to my buddy Gardenburger who claimed correctly that Acie Earl had once scored 40 points in an NBA game. He did it against the Celtics as a Raptor, but still, who would’ve thunk it?

What’s your prediction for the series?

RL: Celtics in six. I don’t think they’re going lose at home until the next round, and I have faith that they can steal one in Cleveland. I also predict that at some point in the future I will make fun of you for having a friend nicknamed Gardenburger.

ACK: Building on the amazing run by the Pats the Celtics will prove yet again that Boston teams truly are a forced to be reckoned with…in the regular season. Cavs nab one of the first two on the road and advance in 6.

2 Responses to “Celtics/Cavs Nation Preview”

1. Kevin Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 2:49 pm

   Ok here it is, round 2. The Celtics and Caveliers, what a matchup. In order for the celtics to continue their quest for banner number 17, they will have to dethrone the defending eastern conference champions. I just hope Delonte West isn’t to uspet that we traded him away. Overall, this is an awsome matchup. The only thing the Cavs are missing in order to win this series is Craig Elho, but if I remember correctly he had a habbit of allowing opposing superstar players to score the winning game shot.

2. Milhouse Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm

   Lebron can be annoying on the court, too.

   He definitely has a Paul Pierce, ACE-bandage-around-the-head-during-a-press-conference moment coming up in the future.

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